Tuesday, March 09, 2004
okay i kno its been over a month but...
hey...yea i kno its been along time and all and i have alot to update but i havnt been really into anything latly...so whats beenup hmmm let me see....on valentines day i got a puppy awwl shes so cute but shes also the devil reborn in dog form you have no idea lol....hmm what eles....nothing really good has been goin on....last weekend was awsome... so i worked thursday no fun but i had off friday so i dodnt care 2 much...i swiched my days at work so i could hang out wit lisa on fridaya n amanda on saturday n then i worked sunday all day [no fun]....but friday omg jimmy got so drunk it was so funny jimm get off the swings weee weee weee flop right on the ground lol hahaha ...[meg i swear i wasnt on the swings okay jim whatever u say] then u got mike [lisas prom date] with his ass that jumps 5 minds after he does when they were dancin to the cha cha....fat ass mike lol....then saturday amanda came down we got so shyt faced it was sad i couldnt even walk straight...then kenny came down all late after his work with the purple shirt lol...[ken ya kno i love ya]....so then monday in school i couldnt even stay up i was sooooo tiredd....i came home n slep all day...then today was a good day i did good on the english test we took [yay 2 me]...then i came home n had a good day...then found out that sum1 dont have the balls 2 tell me he dont like me y cant u just tell me its not a big deal
[youve only been a 3 year crush but o well] were friends thats cool wit me....ahhh i need a prom dress...if anyone knos where theres nice 1s at tell me *please*...okay well ima go do my profile now buh byes everyone...i promise it wont be more than a month next time i write
<3 meghan
Posted at 08:10 pm by MeGsHeArTsYoU
Saturday, February 07, 2004
ThOuGhTs NeVeR sToP rUnNiNg
oh boy i sometimes think falling will work out but then i think about this here we go im gonna start nagging again
he caught me crying. okay, so maybe not crying as crying, for i think that includes bawlng and wailing and all those sentimental crap i keep on running away from. so m saw me in tears. tears that i never even knew were already falling. he gently asks me why. and for the life of me, i could not give a good answer.
"everything just seems to wrong." i whimper.
it's right. everything just seems to be so wrong. your past haunts you. you look back and you feel somewhat bittersweet that it's over. though half of you actually feels triumphant that you're way out of that self descructive path you were in before. still another part longs to go back. why? because you felt free being in that situation. you were happier then that you are now. but you also feel less hurt now than then. yes. much less vulnerable and hurt now.
he smiled at me. not prodding me to actually tell him why tears are falling. but seemingly his smile tells me it's going to be okay. and he understood.
that's what i start to hope that everything would just fall into place. that's when i start to force the idea into my head that everything happens for a reason. more often than not anyway, we keep on forcing the things that we want to happen, what we firmly believe is the best for us. but how do we know what's best for us? it is because that's what everybody else wants? is it because it makes us happy? what makes us think that this happiness would actually last? what makes us think that whatever it is that makes us smile now, wouldn't not leave us shattered and crying in the end?
"what do you do when you're in this situation?" i asked, looking far out into the sky.
he remained quiet for like a full minute. then he spoke of the same things i do just to get out of that pit. "i pretend. i pretend that everything is okay. i go on with my routine. i try to do the things that cheer me up. i don't fight the feeling. i acknowledge it's being there. making me hope for a better tomorrow."
"does it everntually pass?"
"yes. but it seems to have it's way of catching up with you. sometimes, you tend to get bothered by it wanting to prove you wrong in thinking that you've left those bad feelings behind. how about you, c? how do you deal with it?" he asks me back.
"i embrace the emotion." it's true. i try to accept it, but i try not to forget. i remember it for all the happiness that it has brought me. i'd cry. i'd write about it. but i try not to talk about it much.
"just like now?" he smiles at me again.
yes... just like now.
i did it again... i think.
he has fallen in love with me.
and that actually left me speechless. i've been staring at my pc monitor for 5 minutes now, not knowing what to write down, so i guess i'm a bit shaken up. we started talking awhile back and we started talking and what not. and now i'm in deep sh*t. what do you say to somebody you extremely like talking to but you're not sure of if love will ever enter the picture?
well... i like talking to him. he makes sense and he makes me laugh. plus he's always there when i need some heavy cheering up. but my jaded brain is seemingly shouting that i am not yet ready to accomodate complications in my life. that's why i haven't been going out and i haven't been entertaining the idea of ... umm... liking somebody. the feeling sucks. it sucks because you feel numb. you want to feel more, but your just not ready to take risks.
and it makes it all the more a bad feeling when you start feeling guilty. guilty because you let things go far... you allowed a person to fall for you when you know very well you can't fall back. now he tells me his body's shaking and is sincerely asking if we're still okay.
i sometimes think that love is just an illusion. i dunno. it's been a while i guess since i really felt that kind of emotion. extremely liking a person, yeah. but to actually fall for somebody and just let go of your defenses? umm... you have to give me more time.
in my jaded world, fairy tales don't exists. love does, but it just doesn't happen to me.
<3 meghan
Posted at 01:48 am by MeGsHeArTsYoU
Sunday, February 01, 2004
yea they do in more ways then one...its so weird when you think people wont change and its amazing how much one person can be the opposite of what u thought i guess the truth comes out later on right...well i kno i havnt wrote in awhile thats cos i was very depressed and didnt feel the need to bother anyone eles about it...so i left it alone but i anymore i feel some what
lifted i think fits the word things change in time and ive realived that and thats okay you take your chances and sometimes they work and sometimes they dont thats all...what the hell were young live this up right
LOVE MEGHAN
ive finally realived you gotta love yourself more
Posted at 12:19 pm by MeGsHeArTsYoU
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
things are so much better when you talk
wow...tell me all last night i didnt sleep at all i was pissed off all day in school and then we didnt talk till late tonight...but after we talked now everytings okay...were fine....were gettin there....like i said we have alot to work on but were gonna get there...i wanna waer your ring [inside joke]...elm you mean so much 2 me...and lets not let the he said she said shyt get 2 us okay...i care about you to much to lose you over something stupid...
ima go now...buh byes
meghan loves elmer
with all her heart id never do anything to mess this up....
1.11.04
Posted at 10:40 pm by MeGsHeArTsYoU
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
ahhhh i wanna just disapear
i guess sometimes things are supposed to be hard...and not easy on your heart...my hearts been broken so many times b4 and i dont want that to happen again...i love him so much and he means so much to me and i dont know if he knows how much he really does mean to me and even if you thinkim not ready 4 this...i am your all i want your the only thing that makes me smile anymore....it took me so long to pick up ever peice of my herat from all the other times its been broken and then almost as soon as it was all bak i gave it to you...so please dont break it...and i told you in the begging that as long as you trust me i wont hurt you...and i wont i care about you to much....i need to lay down goodnight every body....
i love you thou even if you think i dont
and i do wanna be in this even if you tihnk i dont
meghan loves elmer
1.11.04
you mean so much to me
Posted at 11:37 pm by MeGsHeArTsYoU
Friday, January 09, 2004
i know its only been alittle while but we just hung up and i just thought id put in alittle note...you dont understand how happy your making me...i used to think every day was the same and now everyday is different with you...thank you so much...i dont ever smile like this ever....and it takes alot for me to be like this...and dont be scared of my mom shes the shyt lol... im not to sure where this is gonna go but i hope this works cause you seem good for me...just no more fightin lol...with you im all *smiles* with my big chesse smile and your name around my star....
I've decided I'm the cheapest date ever invented-hehe...how I decided this? Well I've decided I don't really like presents...I just like sweet gestures...the cute things that are totally non expensive...
and thats what you give me just by the things you say sometimes not even meaning to be sweet on your part i think...waking up next to someone is the best feeling in the world right...maybe at some point in time ill be able to wake up next to you...youve been telling me that your gonna take away my lonely-ness and my tears when im drunk lol i hope your right...cause i really want it to be you...and its okay to take this slow cause we dont wanna get hurt lets just see where this goes...
A girl asked a boy if she was pretty.
He said no.
She asked him if he wanted to be with her forever.
He said no.
She then asked him if he would cry if she walked away.
He again said no.
So she did just what she said she would..she walked away.
As she walked away, he grabbed her arm and told her to stay.
He said
"You're not pretty. You're beautiful.
I don't want to be with you forever. Forevers not long enough.
And I wouldn't cry if you walked away. I would follow you."
well maybe at some point in time youll see me like that....i still want you to play for me...and ill let you read my stuff...lets just see where this all goes...but in my head as of now i wanna see us go far
well i need sleep everyone goodnight
<3 love me
Posted at 12:36 am by MeGsHeArTsYoU
Thursday, January 08, 2004
did yOu ever have that feeling in yOur tummy ?!
i always used to think things never changed till last night....i havnt laughed like that on the phone for a really long time...i guess its true what they say is true about when things cant get any worse and you cant take it no more hell come around...i never used to belive it till now....seems true right now butwell see where it goes and see where t takes us....saturday will be fun [hope]...well see i guess...well ima go for now buh byes
<3 meghan
Posted at 08:20 pm by MeGsHeArTsYoU
Monday, January 05, 2004
blarg....as much as this hurts i cant get mad i know how it is to still have feelings for someone and ya cant like someone eles while your hearts in the other place...and all i can be is understanding and ill always be here for ya to listen cause i know how it feels to love someone that you know in your heart is over and what not but still...i guess only time will tell what im supposed to be anymore and if im supposed to be with someone ever cause anymore it feels like i should be aloneee
love me...
Posted at 09:22 pm by MeGsHeArTsYoU
Sunday, January 04, 2004
when can i see yOu again ?
Omg best night in a very lOng time i dOnt knOw what it was it just fit right [sO happy] i dunno i havnt really smiled in awhile it felt good to be happy...it felt goos to smile ya made me happy...but do i dar to smile alot yet or no this is up to you its your call now....dont know what eles to write now ill write tomm or so....
buh byes
<3 meghan
Posted at 12:56 am by MeGsHeArTsYoU
Saturday, January 03, 2004
oh so things never change
im sorry its so long everyone i just havnt been myself....ive been kinda confused and dont really know what i want anymore well besides knowing i wanna smile again and i just wanna be happy again...maybe in time [hell] do it....so new yaers wow its 2004 its so weird to think that ... got a few goals...hope there gonna happen...well im not really up for writin right now but ill keep up this time hehe
<3 always meghan
Posted at 02:56 am by MeGsHeArTsYoU
